Stop Hoping for Your Relationship to Get Easier

Whether it be your intimate relationship, a familial relationship or a professional relationship, realise that all relationships contain moments of “tests” and “celebrations.”

Consider your intimate relationship. (To simplify this example, I’ll use a scenario of a ‘traditionally masculine’ male with a ‘traditionally feminine’ female, though this principle is universal to all).

If you’re a man, you’ll likely have experienced times where, despite your excellent track record, your partner appears to test you. Perhaps she questions your authority, or tests your boundaries, is ‘negative’ in a positive moment, or presents what you feel is unnecessary drama to a ‘good’ situation.

Example:

You’ve been working for years on a huge work project or financial goal. And one day - you hit it. You race home, bursting in elation, so excited to the news.

“Babe, guess what! I made a million dollars today!”

“That’s nice.”

“What? That’s nice?! You know how hard I’ve been working for this!”

“I know. I feel like I haven’t seen you in months. Did you remember to bring the milk?”

“What? Milk? Babe, we can buy a whole milk farm now!!”

“Babe, I reminded you three times this morning to get the milk. I need it for this evening. You didn’t get it?”

 “Look, I forgot… whatever. Fine. I’ll go get the damn milk.”

It’s tempting in these moments for you to feel annoyed - perhaps even wondering what’s wrong with her, why can’t she join you in celebration?

Perhaps you’ve had similar moments with members of family or staff, where your elation or vision doesn’t seem shared by those around you… leading to resentment.

The key to mastering these “tests” is to recognise their true nature.

In recognising their true nature, you’ll transcend the seeming duality of “tests” and “celebrations” in both relationships and life - and recognise the truth of deep love at play in these dynamics.

How?

Consider this.

As a universal law, optimal growth occurs at the border of ’support’ and ‘challenge.’ It occurs when seeming opposites work well with each other.

Example:

To grow your muscles, you exercise and lift weights. But, what would happen if you neglect rest, and nutrition?

Without adequate rest and nutrition, your muscles will not grow, and your rate of progress will stagnate.

Conversely, if you take plenty of rest and eat well, but don’t exercise, your muscles will not grow either, and your rate of progress will stagnate just the same.

To grow, whether it’s to grow our bodies, a plant, a bank account, or a relationship, we must recognise the relationship and value of all aspects in a dynamic.

Too much sunlight and a plant will dry, too much rain and a plant will drown.

Have you been so lost in bringing in revenue that you’ve forgotten about the bottom line?

Too much expenses and a bank account will deplete, but not enough expenses and you can’t sustain yourself to make more income. 

A team doesn’t grow strong by just positive feedback; it needs challenge, inspiring goals, nurturing words and constructive criticism.

So now how does this all relate to the first example?

In your elation & high, sharing the news about your million dollars, how much have you forgotten about the bottom line?

Your partner feels intuitively that your optimal power, growth, and capacity to lead, comes through your ability to be objective, balanced, and considered of all things.

In chasing the money, did you neglect the quality time, the present mind, and the acts of service, which ultimately grow a relationship?

In your elation, did you lose your head, forgetting about other details of life which, left too long neglected, can lead to cracks?

Recognise that when we are elated & high, we often forget to consider the details, we can make sloppy decisions in our cockiness, becoming self-righteous, losing subtlety of others.

And you will need subtlety of others to succeed in life.

Recognise that elation, as exciting as it may feel, makes you weak in the long run. You lose grounding and connection with the details that actually keep the lights on, and allow you to continue.

Loss of grounding at the gym leads to injury. Loss of grounding financially leads to bankruptcy. Loss of grounding in relationships destroys trust.

And she wants to trust you, because she loves you and wants to be with you.

And in order to do that, she needs to feel like you are ‘all over it.’ She wants to feel that your capacity as a man is so great, that ‘a million dollars’ won’t make you lose your grounding. She wants to feel that no prize from the outside world, whether it’s a million dollars, a hot babe, or a life-changing opportunity, can throw you off the grounded, sharp, loving man you truly are.

She wants to feel like you’ve got it covered.

And to do this, you’ll need to be balanced, in the middle, objective, equanimous, considered of all things.

And when she feels this, she can relax with you, and celebrate.

She wants to celebrate. And to celebrate, she needs to feel she is in the safe container of your leadership.

And in order to create a safe container of leadership, you need to cover your bases, not get lost in childish elation.

And when she feels you haven’t, she will guide you back by “reminding you to get the milk.” But, if in your self-righteousness, you villainise her, and call her ‘toxic’, instead of realising she is trying to help, you will forever cap your growth, instead accruing resentment.

Realise there is no “test” or “celebration.” There’s just someone who loves you, who stays in your life, lifting you up when you are down, connecting you to the ground you when you are up, spending their precious time with you.

Realise that even her “testing” was a moment of love.

Do this, in all areas of life, and you will have transcended to one of the rarest, highest levels of mastery of both relationships and life.

All my love,

Dim